My experiments with bird watching

Reading the title one can very easily understand that I am no fan of Gandhi. So I don’t have any revocations about using Gandhi’s only book and modifying the title to such a level. Also, for a few innocent species let me clarify that birds don’t refer to the class aves either. Meaning of ‘birds’ can only be understood by someone who has spent two years of his precious teenage reading Heisenburg’s Principle and Schrodinger’s equation. If someone still doesn’t understand it refers to the clan of girls.

Being in IIT is a great feeling (at least for the first month or so). But coming to a metro is another things that really gets the guys from far off excited enough. On my first day when I was going for registration towards IIT Delhi, located in a strangely called area “Hauz Khaz”, I saw the first memorable “bird-sight” in almost two years. It wasn’t like girls were absent in my city or they weren’t visible, I just never gave a damn about them (May be they didn’t try enough so that I get induced to at least give a damn).

But what studies can make you miss, you don’t realize until you miss the studies. (Isn’t this the same all of them say about love??? I guess it’s common with any intense feeling). Later in the next few days, I came across a lot of members from the clan, a few of them were recognized easily while a few forced me to take another look. I was happy to glare at them, turn back if they pass me by in the opposite direction or just sit somewhere still wearing my black sunglasses (they don’t really let anyone know where you are staring).

It was going on and on until a couple of days when I was on an auto rickshaw, and a girl with the mazimal amount of minimality passed by. I did not notice as I was listening to the Evanescence Song –“My Immortal” (It happens so very often that this song has become one of my all time favorites). Anyways…. Where was I??? yeah… then I saw the auto wale ‘bhaiya’ take his neck out of the auto and stared that ‘girl’ . Even I glanced at the bhaiya’s glance but then started looking straight. He tried to match the speed of the Black Honda Civic she was sitting in but his delight was limited to the blinking seconds on the red light.

Bhaiya stayed silent for a moment and he somewhere knew what I might be thinking. Then he asked – “ Naye ho kya delhi me? ” . I was surprised and said – “haan, abhi college join kiya hai…” Then he told me that “ Aji, tank me gas dekhne ke bahane mud ke neeche dekh lete hain…. Kisi ko ab kya pata chalta hai” and he added-“Delhi me reh ke in nazaaron ka mazza nahin liya to kya kiya?” which translates to –“ You have done nothing if you have missed the pleasure of these sights” . In a way I thought the same about Delhi but I was not interested in sights alone. I wanted someone close may be, but the words of that bhaiya made me go into deep introspection. I was in a dilemma. Have I become a pervert? Or am I the wanna be cassanova? Who am I? Is this what the decent guys are supposed to do? The thought remained with me the whole night. That day I proudly proclaimed that this is the very obvious thing to do for a tortured-self-deprived-introvert to do (I am referring to what I became during those two years), and forgave myself. Then I started making resolutions..

Making resolutions is never difficult but keeping them is (If I go on and draw the probability curve for the resolutions on the x axis and the success as a binary number on y axis, I see the graph is a constant y= 0 with negligible dots at y=1) but anyways, we always are taught to start afresh and forget what we did. Next day was a real test- A group of girls with a light reflection from the purple and the blue sides of spectrum and definitely a bright reflection of the ‘skin’ color (Dont worry, I didnt break my resolution, my friend told me all this) were at some 20 meters or so and were moving closer and closer. I was like walking with my head down and as the distance became smaller and smaller, I could not resist it so I had to close my eyes and stay there till I heard some feminine voices walk by and laugh and ultimately the sounds faded away. (This was the most practical application of Doppler’s Effect I ever encountered in my life).

I realized after two weeks that I have overcome my tendencies and need not look down or close my eyes to ignore those ‘nazaares’. I was happy because now I realized staring at something doesn’t make you get it , it just makes you repent that you just stared. I am not yet brave enough to go beyond gazing with my eyes wide open and talking to those angels walking on earth who would be perfect for anyone to be with all night long (For the people I can now safely call perverts, I am talking here about dreams) .

I feel better now cause I am a person with high morals and that is what counts. But I have realized that high morales don’t really help one achieve a high reputation. So all my friends started passing a common comment – “koi na Rohan …samajh gaye hum…. Ab to sab legal hai … chill mar!!!” But it turned out to be a week's euphoria among them and they turned normal in a week..

I did with birds what Gandhi did with truth …. Whether anyone likes it or not …

A Travesty

Fifteen years have passed, but I still get that feeling. That feeling of anxiety, of nervousness. That shifting of legs, that speechlessness. I try to overcome, to just say as I wanted to say, to express myself the best, but I still fail today.

Fifteen years have passed, since I first held you. I still cannot forget the sweaty hands, that slippery touch. I still remember that rustle , that beating of hearts, that blank mind. Every time I hold you, oh, how you arouse my spirits. I try to be perfect; I plan days ahead for our
short dates. Even though you mock me, you tease me, (and you never realised how you harm my self esteem!), I still value my time with you. So much that every second the close comes nearer, I whine. I cry. The feeling of lose, that of shame, of self-disgust. I don’t know when it will leave me. I wish to conquer your arrogance, crush your ego. I wish to trample upon your self-esteem, so I could at last get hold of you. But I never could. Not in the countless times I met you. Never in your face, never behind your back. I know I tried, but you still evade me.

Fifteen Years have passed, since I first joined school. Fifteen years have passed since I first gave exams. But they still mock me. In my face.

Fifteen years have passed. So have countless exams. But I still hate them...

A Beautiful Heart

An angel a marvel a soul divine
A messenger of happiness,
My eternal sunshine.
I glow with pride, I shimmer with joy
I am luckiest alive, come listen ahoy!
She takes the toil but makes me smile,
My guardian spirit, my guiding line,
So magical, so smart, such beauty such grace,
Wondering I look and see god in her face.
Harbinger of happiness, so serene and so calm
I don’t have no words how to thank you oh mom!
For caring for laughing, those moments of love
The selfless dedication, your hand up above
Not the best son I am and I know I admit,
i'm flawed i know but you never stopped to care
(thank you for being there when I had erred)
And you were so kind and i am so blessed
All I can do is thank you and thank you and thank you!

Shoaiania announce reality show to look for Qazi-cum-bodyguard

Published post:-http://www.newsthatmattersnot.com/2010/04/shoaiania-announce-reality-show-to-look.html

Hyderabad:

The soon-to-be star couple Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik have announced the launch of a new reality show Qazi ki Khoj. The show is aimed at finding the suitable Qazi (Muslim cleric) for their marriage later this month. Yesterday's press conference was called to discuss this new reality show.

The couple has announced bizarre eligibility criteria for the show. It seems they are more interested in proficiency in martial arts than clerical perfection. “Everyone can recite the verses and follow the procedure. What we really want is that the person has perfect fighting skills, considering the fact that he might have to tackle the Vishwa Hindu Parishad, Bajrang Dal, Shiv Sena, Ram Sena, etc,” explained Shoaib.

The bride-to-be is also expecting some threat from Ayesha who was Shoaib's wife in his last birth. Sources close to Shoaib revealed that Sania was terrified of Aayesha's size and that is why she isn’t ready to hold any negotiations with her. "What if they get into a fight and Aayesha falls on her? Being an international sportswoman, Sania needs to keep fit,” says the unidentified source. Apparently, Shoaib is also scared of her for the very same reason. The couple also plan to keep the Qazi as their bodyguard for the rest of their married life.

The format of the show is yet to be officially announced, but the couple gave hints on putting the participants in a pit and sending wild dogs after them. “We watched video footage of how the Senas usually act, and then made a strategy and reached to this conclusion. We are also planning to have a round on bomb defusing if the Taliban’s format is also approved," said Sania.

The show is said to be starting in a couple of days worldwide, considering the short time available for choices. Meanwhile, the VHP, who said there was underworld involved in the marriage, have now termed the show also as “underworld recruitment”.

“I am going to compete on the show! Sania memsaab is so good to have considered this show necessary," said Pahlwan Panja Vijeta, from Bhagoda Akhara. The show is also generating interest in Japan, and many sumo wrestlers are said to have tried to board the plane to india. Of course, they got struck at the door itself. Recently evicted from WWE, Shawn Michaels is also thinking of trying out. "This might be a good retirement for him, being Sania's ‘bodygaurd’ and living in Dubai”, his friend Triple H said. But Shawn has denied such reports.

Sania and Shoaib are both eagerly waiting for the show - even more than their marriage. So are Bal Thackeray, and Pramod Muthalik, we have been told. Lets see who wins.

SOLITUDE

(my first lame attempt at poetry)

I chose my shadow as my partner

My lone comrade , my friendly harbor

Who walked by me, in pain and sorrow

Knows my previous, today and morrow

Stood by me, against the world

Even with me wrong,

It believed my word

Consoled me in my despair

“you aint alone, oh you hear?”

It laughed with me

But not coyly

And took my pain

Unlike people humane

Who could feign if they like

and behind your back strike

that aint friend, that’s a foe

and the world’s like that

for all I know.

The belief fortifies

And grows the despise

Towards humans

And grows the affection

Towards my solitude

Then came the night

All got of sight

I searched for my harbor

My shadow, my partner

There was none

It was also gone

I consoled my heart

That we were only the night apart

Everyone needs time alone

Only so my shadow had gone

But don’t people need time too?

Even they need space, yes they do!

And it struck me out of the blue

It wasn’t them,

It was me wanting thinking anew

As I realize this

I look around

Loneliness dies

And my first friend

Wasn’t far away

Fare thee well my solitude

i am better with my friends now I say..

BABAS REVOLT! PLAN TO SUE CHANNELS!

At least ten dozen naga babas have threatened to wear full clothes in support of the People against Unequal Status of Saints who Yell on TV (PUSSYTV). Member Babas, who host various TV pravachan shows have revolted and declined to host any more shows. The Babas are all angry over the introduction of a new late night show Insight of Baba Virmal on the Kanskar channel. “This is discrimination against us. How can this happen when we all are here," wondered Baba Mahila Dev, the brain behind the PUSSYTV association. "We are all equal!" shouted Baba Kaju-Katli, which the whole group supported loudly.

They say that all babas are equal in front of the Constitution and so their self-proclaimed godmanship should be recognised officially. Baba Virmal Dev is new on the circuit, and thats why the fact that he has got a full show in his name is troubling the association.

A baba takes a group photo of naga babas. He was heard saying, "Smile Comrade, You will be the next God"

Inner sources have however revealed that the babas were approached by the channels individually and promised to be given the contract, but they refused later. "The channel's production company has signed a contract with me that they would take me as the next God after the current one retires. But now they have made the new kid Virmal as the God. Other babas have also gone through similar fates," said a baba who hosts the popular Ayurveda show Dawaa kam daru zyaada.

However he is not ready to share more on the contract with NTMN readers . “That might create problems with the Income Tax department, though I do have followers there." Another Baba reiterated the same lines. “I am much more older and experienced than this Virmal. I started my shows on channel 20 years ago, he came just a year ago. It should purely be a merit-based system.”

Baba Kaju-Katli claims big corruption money is involved. “The channel company has been paid huge amounts by Baba Virmal. We ask for equal status for all babas in India. After all, we don’t have 2 crore Gods without a valid reason." On being asked the next step of the saints, he said they are going to file a PIL asking for recognition of their self-proclaimed godmanship by the channels. They also plan to sue the channels for defamation. Exactly how they were defamed, they refused to tell. “This is a legal matter. I can't comment on it”, said a baba.

On the other hand, the owners of the channels have denied all accusations. They said they treated all babas as equal, and only the best one won. “We invited bids for this particular post. The highest bidder won. That’s all fair.” On being asked about the contracts some babas claimed to have signed, they all disagreed on any such signings. “We never signed any contracts. The bids were invited in the intra-channel circulation papers.” On their legal stance, they said they will wait and watch.

Baba Virmal was unavailable for comments. The peon at his bungalow in Bandra, Mumbai said the saint had gone to see Ajmal Kasab in jail.

For the namesake

I was pretty excited when I sat down to write this article. But the title frustrated me to such an extent, I had to use Inky Pinky Ponkie to select it from “ what lies in a name”, “Namesake”, “for the namesake”, “for the sake of the name” etc etc. You can judge my creativity (or lack of it) by them, but that is another issue. Shakespeare was surely nuts when he said nothing lies in a name. Though he and I were born in the same Kalyug, described so elaborately by our beloved Krishna (or was it Krishn? Krishan? Kishna? Kkrish?) there seems to be a considerable difference between his Kalyug and my Kalyug, where we play games over multiple names, and that too rapidly changing. So while Bangalore becomes Bengaluru and Pondicherry becomes Puducherry, in the latest politically correct movement of stupidity, the state of Orissa will now be called Odisha (or that is what I have heard). But there is one solace. There are some public servants like our dear Raj Thackeray and Bal Thackeray [aint it funny both have three letter names? Seems like there mother was an ardent fan of Balraj Sahney and named her twins after him. “THEY ARE NOT TWINS. BAL IS RAJ’s UNCLE!” Oh, I m sorry. The explanation was just so tempting.] Where was I? oh yes, that people like Bal-Raj keep it alive in our mind that Bombay is now Mumbai, by ransacking the showrooms of Bombay Dyeing, or making a few Karan Johars apologize for using the word ‘Bombay’ in films. Who knows if someone forgets the city name? There is also a demand for our Bal-Raj in Arunachal Pradesh [known as South Tibet in China] for a similar reason. But the Chinese government has expressed its “strongest dissent over any such development”. It is getting political so I back off right now. Though there is another resolution being sought in UN that the chaiwalas in Arunachal (or south Tibet) replace Tata tea by chini chai, the arguments given are very absurd. So it’s very likely to be rejected.

While the fight between South Tibet and Arunachal Pradesh (or vice versa) continues, I hear continuous Vedic like chants of V-e-n-k-a-t-a-n-a-r-a-s-i-m-h-a-r-a-j-u-v-a-r-i-p-e-t-a in the background. Comes out that my younger brother is learning some Andhra city name. His own name is Dev, but is mostly known as chunnu, munnu, pappu, nunnu, chandu, pikku, honey, sweetu, etc by relatives of different origin. In fact, he has so many names; I never remember his real one. I like the English custom better here. A person gets the nick name as a by product of his name. So Robert is Bob, William is Bill, Elizabeth is Beth or Betty and so on. This must save some bucks in the naamkaran. But I bet our punditji won’t like this. Neither will Mayawati, if punditji comes out to be a dalit. She might just demolish my home and build a statue at its place, bearing a note, “MAYAWATI WELCOMES YOU”. So I better not comment on that. Unconfirmed reports have even suggested that behenji is changing her name to Maayawati. But I won’t comment on that too. I will instead give a closer example. One of my lady friends recently met a punditji and added another ‘a’ at the end of her name, making it terminally elongated. But a not so predicted advantage is that it sounds more melodious now.

Helping the naives, I must inform that the last line falls in the realms of flirting. For more flirting tips, my name is the one written after this line. Or is it?

-Rohan Budhiraja